i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
