Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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