6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
