Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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