his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
