I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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