How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's official drugs can't kill me
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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