I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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