I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
