Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
