You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
