I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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