Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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