Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
