is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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