All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
