What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
