Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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