giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
