mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
