I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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