garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
