my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
