foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
