Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
