i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
