I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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