Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
