Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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