The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
porn star boner night. come get it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
