I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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