I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
