God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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