I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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