So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
