he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
