My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
