My friends, they love my intelligence
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
