Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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