dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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