You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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