I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
