Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
