Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
