No stitches, just platelets and will power
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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