I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
