they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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