Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
