if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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