Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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