Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
