Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
